Estrangement from an adult child can happen for any number of reasons. Sometimes it is the child’s spouse who demands distancing from family. Other times it may be due to an adult child becoming abusive and the parent needs to cut off ties for safety reasons. And sometimes the reason can seem inexplicable.

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Whatever the cause, the loss can be heartbreaking. If it does not resolve, it can feel like a death. Compounding the problem, older couples may not agree on how the reality came to pass or on what to do and this may cause friction. And other family members may have strong opinions or judgments, adding to the distress. Not surprisingly, powerful feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety and depression may emerge. There may also be significant grief. Older adults living with estrangement deserve support and understanding from others. Healing is a process and takes time. Seeking professional counseling can help with the challenging practical and emotional problems surrounding the experience.

Risa S. Breckman, LCSW, Therapist and Director of NYC Elder Abuse Center

Experience has taught me that when it comes to family life, nothing is simple or formulaic. Children who remain close to their parents didn’t all grow up on Sunnybrook Farm. And those who distance themselves or choose to have zero contact haven’t all done so because their parents failed them in some significant way. (Though, of course, some have.) Many fine parents have children who pull away — sometimes for reasons the parents cannot figure out.

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