toxic parents
Living your life according to someone else’s values and goals will leave you chronically unhappy and unfulfilled.
And if you live your life trying to please your parents, you’ll be their captive — forever seeking validation and love from people who probably can’t give it to you.
When you give them this type of power, you allow your parents to determine your self-worth – to tell you whether you’re smart, successful, a good parent, a worthwhile person, and so on.
Reflective questions: What do you do in order to please your parents even though it doesn’t work well for you? What do you need to do for yourself, even if your parents disapprove?
2) Set and enforce boundaries.
Boundaries help us set clear expectations and limits for how others can treat us.
Boundaries create emotional and physical space between you and your parents. This is probably something you didn’t have as a child, so it can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries and start telling your parents how you want to be treated.
Toxic people resist boundaries; they want to be in control. Setting boundaries with toxic people is difficult because they don’t respect limits, but don’t let that deter you. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships.
It’s okay to limit contact with your parents. It’s even okay to have no contact with your parents. You don’t owe them anything! Relationships need to be built on respect and you can’t respect people who continually treat you poorly.
Reflective questions: What boundaries do you need with your parents? What’s one step you can take toward setting those boundaries?
3) Don’t try to change them.
Trying to change people who don’t want to change is a waste of energy (and will leave you extremely frustrated). Instead, focus on what you can control – how you respond to your parents, your choices, and your behavior.
Reflective questions: How do you try to change or “fix” your parents? How do you feel when you inevitably fail to change them? With regard to your relationship with your parents, what’s in your control?
4) Be mindful of what you share with them.
Trust is an important element of healthy relationships and we should only share personal information with those that have proven themselves trustworthy. Unfortunately, your parents may not fall into this category if they gossip about you, criticize, share things about you without your permission, or use what you tell them against you.
As an adult, you aren’t obligated to tell them everything (or anything) that’s going on in your life or answer their questions. Share only what feels comfortable and safe.
Reflective questions: What does it feel safe to share with your parents? What doesn’t feel safe?
5) Know your parents’ limitations and work around them — but only if you want to.
I know many adult children of alcoholics who know they can’t change their parents’ drinking and recognize that their parents become forgetful, aggressive, or otherwise difficult after a certain time of day (when they’re intoxicated). So, they plan their phone calls, visits, and family get-togethers for earlier in the day to avoid the worst of their parent’s behavior.
This is an effective coping strategy for some, but you certainly don’t have to plan your life around your parents. Quite the contrary, work around their limitations only if they work for you.
It’s completely valid to have your birthday party in the evening and not invite your parents because you don’t want them to ruin it. Remember, you have choices and you don’t have to justify them to your parents.
Reflective questions: Are there ways you work around your parents’ limitations? Do these compromises truly work for you? If not, what changes do you need to make?
6) Always have an exit strategy.
When things start deteriorating, take that as your cue to leave (or ask your parents to leave). Chances are that things will only escalate (they’ll drink more, get angrier and more obstinate). So, it’s safer to end your time together at the first sign of trouble. You aren’t obligated to stick around just to be polite or to make your parents happy.
judgmental
The Toxic Parents Survival Guide
Recognizing, Understanding, and Freeing Yourself
from These Difficult Relationships
by Bryan Collins
7) Don’t try to reason with them.
There’s no way to reason with someone who is irrational, emotionally immature, or intoxicated. So don’t expend a lot of energy trying to get your parents to see your point of view.
It can be sad and frustrating to accept that you can’t have a healthy and mature relationship with them because they are closed-minded or empathy-challenged. Be assertive about issues that matter to you, but at the same time, don’t expect your parents to care about or understand your point of view.
Try not to get dragged into arguments or power struggles that degrade into nasty bouts of name-calling and other disrespectful behaviors. As I’ve said before, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Choose to disengage instead.
Reflective question: How can you take care of yourself or disengage when your parents can’t see your point of view or aren’t interested in your perspective?
8) You don’t have to be at your parents’ beck and call.
This is a much-needed type of boundary. Toxic people will take and take unless you say no to their excessive demands.
You can help them out if it’s feasible and if it’s appreciated, but you’re not obligated to be their chauffeur, maid, gardener, or therapist – especially if they’re treating you like dirt the whole time. Nor do you have to be their errand boy, be on-call 24-7, or take their phone calls and reply to their texts immediately.
Reflective questions: How do your parents exploit your kindness by expecting you to meet their demands 24-7? How does it feel to recognize that you aren’t obligated to do things for them? Can you release some of the guilt by remembering that you’re setting healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself just as other adults do?
9) You don’t have to spend the holidays with your parents.
You deserve to enjoy the holidays and that might mean spending them away from your parents.
In some families, there’s a lot of pressure to maintain family traditions, but this often comes at the expense of your own happiness and peace of mind. Now might be a good time to start your own holiday traditions or be creative about how you spend the holidays. Perhaps you’d like to celebrate Friendsgiving or go on vacation over the holidays.
Reflective questions: What holiday traditions would you like to change or omit because they cause stress or family conflict? How can you create holidays that are enjoyable to you and reflect what’s important to you?
10) Take care of yourself.
Dealing with toxic parents is stressful and that stress takes a toll on your emotional and physical health. It’s essential that you take extra good care of yourself.
Start with the basics like eating healthfully, getting enough rest and sleep, exercising, connecting with positive people, acknowledging your feelings and giving them a healthy outlet, getting support, and having fun. It will be easier to set boundaries, choose to respond differently or detach when you’re at your best physically and emotionally.
The ego loves to find everything wrong with a situation or person, so it harps on all the atrocities and misfortunes in life on a daily basis. Complaining every once in a while is a part of life, but if you catch yourself seeing the glass half-empty more than you normally would, try to look inside and tell your ego that all is well, and it doesn’t have to worry.
Reflective questions: Take a few minutes to sit quietly with yourself. How do you feel? What do you need right now?
Final Thoughts
Change starts with you
Changing the ways you relate to your toxic parents can be scary because it will most certainly upset the status quo! It’s only natural that your parents will resist the changes you try to make. Transitions are difficult and stressful but setting boundaries with your parents is the path to freedom from their toxic energy and expectations.
You are the only one who can change your relationship with your parents and you can start today! What small step can you take today towards reclaiming your life?
*The term “toxic people” is used in this article to describe people who consistently exhibit toxic or harmful behaviors. It is not the ideal term and I’d prefer not to label people at all. However, using this popular term allows people searching on the internet to find pertinent resources, such as this article.
Reading list
- Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
- Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
- Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members by Sharon Martin
- How to Set Boundaries with Toxic People by Sharon Martin
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